Life for me the past 6 months has been a steady diet of brokenness and revelation. The situation I've found myself in is one that is possibly the result of building a beautiful house of cards, making sure every piece is in place, and decorating it in such a way that it looks secure without doing the hard work of building on a secure foundation. As I've analyzed every aspect of life one thing is apparent: I haven't been as strong or stable as I thought I was, and I've been that way for a long time. I'm not necessarily blaming myself for my current struggles, because I can't and shouldn't, but I can attribute a lot of this to the simple truth that faking is bound to produce failing. I've failed in many areas for a long time, at least personally, but have continued to project outwardly that everything is under control and that everything is exactly the way it should be...and what that has produced is a man that is forced to start over from the beginning. There is no short cuts to becoming who God wants you to be and that is a lesson I forgot a long time ago, possibly even as far back as my time at Central Bible College. The path that has led me now to being out of ministry and divorced is one that I wouldn't wish on anyone. What I have learned, and am still learning, is that I can't rely on anything but God's grace and I can't "make" myself into anything by taking easy shortcuts and pretending that everything is ok. What I can do now is take the time to do the hard work of recovery, both spiritual and mentally, and pray that God will indeed redeem the time.
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